I met Lindsay over eight years ago through her now husband, Matt. They have been married since October 18, 2008. They have a beautiful 4-year-old daughter named Cali and a sweet little miracle 8 month old son named Paxton. Lindsay has a huge heart and amazing faith. I pray you will feel encouraged by her story. These are her words. . .
Photo Credits: Rebecca Kelly Photography
Have you ever felt like you are being attacked by the devil? It can happen at any time and without warning. Even the best Christians, with the best walks with Jesus can come under Satan’s attack.
When Cali was two and a half we found out we were pregnant….by total surprise. We had been trying for months but nothing was happening. And then randomly out of the blue we found out I was expecting. We were thrilled. So excited in fact that after only a week of finding out we told all of our families during Christmas. Everyone was thrilled for us. Well only a few short weeks after that we found out our baby had no heartbeat. We were scheduled for a repeat ultrasound in a week just to confirm. We prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I wanted a miracle, honestly I did. But I prayed mostly for God’s will. And that whatever his will he would walk me through it. It’s amazing how consistently praying can put you at ease. As we sat in the waiting room the following week for our ultrasound I knew what they were going to find. And I knew that God was there with me. In that moment, in that space, he was there holding me up and giving me this peace that surpasses all understanding. We had our ultrasound and exactly what I felt was confirmed. I was scheduled for a D&C just a couple of days later. We left and neither of us really said anything. It’s a strange feeling knowing that only a couple of weeks ago you were planning your baby’s future and now you are preparing for a surgery to remove this precious life God gave you. I put on the brave strong face. I didn’t want to upset Matt or Cali or our family. I was at peace with this and knew that God wouldn’t put me through such an ordeal without a reason. I fully believe this is when the devil crept in. I had the surgery and again kept up the brave face. I said all the right things to people when they asked how I was. I told them God had a plan and he knew what he was doing. But in the quiet of my house during my alone time, I cried out to God. I couldn’t understand what was going on. He knew how much we wanted another baby. Did he really think my faith was strong enough to withstand something like this? Did he think my faith wasn’t strong enough and so that was why he was letting me endure this, to draw me closer to him? All kinds of questions would run through my head. And some were not always accepting and loving towards Christ. I had moments of hurt and anger and sadness with God. I pulled away from my marriage. I didn’t want to be close to him because it hurt. I had one job, protect and grow a little baby and I had failed.
I had joined a group of ladies at church around this time. I had been leading a women’s small group for about a year and we were starting discipleship groups that fall. In order to lead a discipleship group you must first yourself go through the discipleship process. I was excited to get connected with some more ladies and really dig into the word. I just knew it would bring me out of my funk. So I joined and things seem to pick up. Matt and I became closer and eventually decided to start trying again. Well we decided we weren’t going to prevent anything. If the Lord blessed us with another baby then great, if not then we were ok with that also. So everything was moving along. I had an incredible support system of girlfriends who had experienced the same loss and we regularly chatted and shared our hearts with one another and it was awesome. After a few weeks in this discipleship class I find out I am once again pregnant. And because God is who he is, he showed up. I went to my discipleship class and our leader started out by sharing a verse that for some reason that morning God laid on her heart. It was Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” I cried…and everyone looked at me a little crazy. I apologized and said that verse just really speaks to me. After we were done with group my leader pulls me aside to let me know if I need to talk or to pray she is there. So I told her we had just found out we were pregnant again and I was a nervous wreck. How was I supposed to relax and trust in God when he took my second baby home with him? She said I think it’s crazy this verse was laid on my heart. She said it was truly from out of nowhere and that she felt God telling her to share it with us. I relaxed a little. God was there, he is in the midst and he knew my anxiety. Well I prayed and prayed and prayed during the weeks leading up to our first doctor’s appointment. And we went and I thought I was going to throw up I was so nervous while sitting in that waiting room. We get called back and there is a heart beat! This little one has a heart beat and I can see the beautiful heart beating away on the screen. Next to seeing Cali’s heartbeat the first time, this was an incredible day. I left that appointment a little more confident in this pregnancy.