“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20
Today as I was doing a little reading, *Yes. I had a moment to read while I was drinking my coffee!* I came across a quote I had highlighted in a book a few years ago. “You are not lost to God. He sees your struggle, He knows your heartache, and He longs to bless the seed of hope He planted in your heart.” The author of the book goes on to say, “You are already pregnant with hope. That hope is a gift from the God who loves you and who longs to bless you beyond what you can ask or imagine.” (quote from Pregnant With Hope: Good News For Infertile Couples)
In the middle of our infertility journey, I probably read this quote through squinted, tear-filled eyes. I knew in my mind this was true, but I was having such a hard time holding onto this truth in my heart. It is hard to see outside of the tiny infertility box sometimes. Your vision gets a little cloudy and your heart becomes guarded. You try not to become too hopeful because it hurts. It was hard for me to see beyond the heartache. I even reached a point where I just didn’t know HOW to pray anymore. I felt like I had given God everything, but really I was still struggling to stay hopeful month after month. I’m not an expert, but I feel like it is safe to say this is common among the couples who struggle with infertility. Am I right?
I’m on the other side of this now. In April of 2014, our infertility journey became a pregnancy journey. I now have twins who turned one last week. As I read through my journals and blog posts from our journey, I can still feel the pain in my words. The heartache and loss of hope are too familiar to me. I can look back on it now and see how that time in my life was falling apart so God could mold something much bigger than I had ever imagined. I see that NOW, but two years ago I couldn’t see that. I knew what I needed to believe. I knew where I needed to place my hope, but in the middle of our journey, I struggled tremendously with holding hope in my heart.
If you are struggling with holding hope in your heart, you are not alone. My prayer is that your vision will become clearer, your heart will become open, and you will receive the comfort and strength you need during this trying time in your life.
Hugs to all of you.
Today we celebrate the birth of the two babies I was told I would never have. I am sitting in my kitchen drinking my second cup of coffee as I listen to R&A snore (thanks to some nasty colds) over the baby monitor. Even though they’ve physically been in my arms every day for the last year, I still cannot believe these two little lives are MINE. I cannot believe that shy, curly-headed, country boy I met five years ago is now my husband, and we are raising these two little humans together. I cannot believe I’m the mother of a middle school aged child. Is this real?!
This morning, I sang “Happy Birthday” to each of my babies. They ate breakfast together, drank their juice (their very very watered down juice), and I told them the story of the day they were born. Every year I tell Gavin the story of the day he was born, so I guess this is just one of my weird mom traditions? Maybe so. Needless to say, R&A were not thrilled with their birth story. Ha. I have high hopes they will enjoy the story when they are older.
After we wrapped up the mushy birth story phase of the celebration, I took them out of their high chairs and just watched them play together. I’m so grateful I have been here for them everyday since the day they were born. I’ve witnessed all of their firsts, kissed their boo-boos, and filled their tummies. I’ve held them when they were sick. I’ve rocked them when they couldn’t sleep. I’ve laughed with them to the point of tears. This year has been hard, stressful, and a complete whirlwind. There are parts I would be okay with never revisiting. There are other parts I wish I could relive every single day of my life. With that being said, I’m forever grateful. This is all I ever hoped and dreamed of… and more.
Happy Birthday, Ryker and Averlee. Mommy loves you!
If you missed their birth story, you can find Part 1 here. and Part 2 here.
The last few weeks I’ve said numerous times, “It isn’t rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns at my house.” Contrary to what some may believe, I do not have it all together. I hired someone to clean my house every other week because I was overwhelmed by the amount of hair balls and dust bunnies in my house. Now, my house is clean for a few hours after my cleaning angel leaves every other week. Before I can even marvel at the sparkling kitchen floor, the cat will throw up or one of the kids will spill something. It never fails. This is life and that’s ok.
I have dabbled in the bandwagon that is running (or trying to run in my case) a business online. It seems everything I learned in college and all of the sales training I had when I actually worked in an office setting are no match for the social media world. Occasionally I’ll have some time and a surge of great ideas will flood my mind. I’ve focused on trying to drive a wedge and set myself apart from others, but let’s face it… My sales experience and knowledge of products means nothing when it comes to this stuff. Everyone is selling something these days….EVERYONE. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve made myself unplug and be less available via social media. I learned it doesn’t pay off for me to be so present. I’ve talked to people, followed up, and invited. I’ve answered messages and emails within minutes. It doesn’t matter though. My heart just isn’t in it anymore. It is exhausting scheduling posts, setting up ads (for Facebook to deny by the way), and maintaining a presence just for people to say “oh I didn’t know you sold that!”. I’m not a pushy sales person. That’s not how I was taught to sell. So in the last week or so I have stepped back so I can reevaluate my purpose as far as my business goes. In the end, I feel God will lead me to do something else. I honestly feel the tug from Him each day for me to hang it up. I just can’t seem to make myself let go though. I want to help people. I feel like God is wanting to use me in a way where I can do just that, but overwhelming myself with social media posts, accountability groups, [dramatic] competition, and deviating from everything I ever learned about sales just doesn’t seem like my calling. at. all. Stay tuned.
Finally. The twins will be ONE on Thursday. I’ve been wrapped in this wonderful chaos for almost an entire year. I have survived… somewhat. There have been days where I have cried and convinced myself I cannot do this. There have been days when I felt like superwoman and wanted to take on the world with my twins in tow. I’ve prayed daily for God to just give me the patience and strength I need to be the mom He wants me to be to my 3 precious children. At the end of the day, I know this is what I’ve always wanted. I know this is the life I hoped and dreamed of for so long. I am a mother. I am a mother to twins who are into everything, refuse to nap at the same time, and put everything in their mouths except for their food. I have a 12 year old who tries my patience. He stays so busy with sports. It is hard for me keep up sometimes. He won’t eat his veggies and drinks way too much sweet tea. I am a mother. I am a mother who doesn’t shower everyday. My hair is rarely ever fixed. I’ve learned it’s ok to go out in public without a full face of makeup on. Yoga leggings, Under Armor shirts, and Nikes are my daily uniform. I love it, but at the same time I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. My hands are full just like my heart. I’m exhausted, but I’m so blessed. I feel like I’m so unworthy of this life.
Last but not least…
I think I’m ready to be a blogger again. I’m not sure what direction I will go in yet, but I think I need this blog as an outlet and as a place to leave my thoughts. More to come on that later…
I’ll leave you with this picture…