The Journey Continues

We have taken an officially unofficial break. 

Oh hello my blogger friends. It seems it has been a while since I’ve posted anything on here. I would like to take a moment to congratulate each of my fertility-challenged blog followers who have finally experienced their BFP (big fat positive) moments. You each have given me an ounce of hope that I too will finally see two lines or “Pregnant” on one of those sticks I pee on every month. 
We have taken a break. I wouldn’t say it is a break from trying. It has just been a break from life. It had become so overwhelming answering questions and receiving the “so have you started your period yet?” “how long until you know if you are pregnant?” text messages, phone calls, etc.  Each time I would have to answer those questions, it was just a reminder that I did not have good news to share. It was also creeping me out that people other than me were counting the days of my cycle. That’s just weird. Please don’t do that. That being said, I’m not going to tell you what day of my cycle I am on. It really does not matter at this point because I don’t ovulate regularly, and I didn’t really feel like testing this month. I know I should start my cycle sometime between today and February 1st. That’s all I know. I have quit trying to figure out when to expect my cycle. It shows up when it wants. 
So what do I mean by this “break”? Well we aren’t telling anyone when we go to the doctor or what the doctor says. I started a BBT (basal body temp) chart for this cycle but stopped after about 10 days because my temps were all over the place. Clearly I wasn’t doing something right.  I had an OPK left from two cycles ago. I thought, “what the heck?” and gave it a go this month too. When it gave me a smiley face on day 8 of my cycle, it just made me mad. Day 8? Really? There’s no way that is possible! So I threw the rest of the kit in the garbage and went along my merry little way. So now we wait patiently. It is funny to say that. I mean, haven’t we been waiting patiently this entire time? Yeah. So Patiently.  
The good news is I have been given a new game plan. The bad news is…. I’m 99% sure my new game plan is going to cause me to (a) lose my job (b) go insane or (c) all of the above. So that’s that. 
If you have some extra time in your prayers the next few weeks, please pray for my sanity. I have a strong feeling I will in fact have to resort to the new game plan. I’m anxious. I’m nervous. I’m heartbroken. Please pray for a miracle. Please pray for me to be strong. I’ve begged my husband before to let me quit. I’ve begged for him to just let this madness be over and we can travel the world and buy pretty things. I didn’t mean any of it, but I still begged. He said we would do whatever we need to do. I know he wants children though, and I know I want to be the Mommy to his children. We will continue to press on. 
I’m at a complete loss right now. It makes my heart sad to think of the women who get to roll around in the sheets with their loving husbands and conceive a beautiful biological child after only trying for two or three months. They make it sound so easy. Why is this so hard to us?!? Why?!? It makes me sad.  I know God has an amazing plan for us. I know his plan is way bigger and way greater than anything I can ever imagine, but right now I’m just sad. I feel like I’ve been through a lot already and it isn’t even over yet. 
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Here We Go… Again.

God’s Timing is Right…. 

On Saturday, November 30, 2013 at around 9:37AM I received the phone call nobody is prepared to receive. My brother was in Murfreesboro (30 minutes from me and an hour from our parents) and had received a phone call from our Mom that our Pa had been found in the parking lot of the Co-op in our hometown of Lynchburg ….unresponsive. Immediately my heart broke as I felt the past 28 and a half years of memories with my grandfather flashing before my eyes. I couldn’t even make words to tell my husband we had to get to my dad. All I could say was, “I didn’t get to tell him bye. I can’t let him go without telling him bye. I have to get to him.”  I’m sure my husband was just as panicked as I was since I was not clear at first as to who I was rambling about. After throwing on some clothes that I’m not even sure were clean, I decided to call Mom myself because the anticipation of the next phone call was killing me.  As soon as Mom answered the phone, I knew. She had to tell me anyway, but I knew before she even spoke the words. He was gone. He was suddenly called home by Jesus that Saturday morning after he paid for his gas at the Co-op. 

It all makes sense now. Seriously. It does. If we had become pregnant when we felt we should be pregnant, I would have been toting around a newborn during this stress, mourning, and sadness. I would not have been able to run out the door and drive home entirely too fast if I had a newborn in tow. I would not have been able to sit quietly in my Pa’s porch swing and bawl my eyes out. God knew exactly what He was doing. God also didn’t want me to experience the loss of my Pa while I was pregnant. The stress, mourning, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, and sadness would not have been healthy for our growing Baby Bell. Once again, God knew exactly what he was doing. 

I would be lying if I told you this is easy. It isn’t. Our family has endured so much loss in the past 2 years. First my cousin, Chris at the age of 29 in 2011. My aunt Corine who was like a grandmother to us passed away after a short battle with cancer in July of this year. Now Pa has suddenly passed away. That is A LOT to take in. It is a lot to process. Some days I feel like we are all going to make it. Then, I feel the pain in my heart and am reminded just how hard the next few days, weeks, months, and years are going to be. I know with the love and support of my family, close friends, and even some strangers we will make it through this trying time.