Finding Hope

I’ve thought about this blog so many times over the past several weeks. A part of me wanted to share the latest news and setbacks, but a part of me just wished to keep it silent.

I’ve come to the point in our journey where I no longer use the term “infertile”. I prefer to use the term “fertility challenged”. According to all of the medical professionals and research, after one year of actively trying to conceive without success, the journey to become parents is then referred to as infertility. It is such a yucky word. Fortunately for me, God pointed us in the direction of a doctor who not only is a Fertility Specialist, but he also traveled down the same path as Trey and I. Not once in the seven months that we were under his care did he use the term “infertility”. I used the term like crazy until I realized I was allowing the term to define ME and not the situation (…errr journey?) I have been faced with. In an effort to find the root of my frustrations, I turned to a blog my friend Kenzie had directed me to a few months ago. I had read a few of the posts, but had not really dug into the meat of the blog. One day, in pure desperation for God’s hand to take away my emotional and physical pain, I turned to the blog again.

This is what I have realized in the last few months while reading this blog and studying… 
People say stupid stuff. They don’t say stupid stuff on purpose. They just open their mouths in an effort to “fix” things and stupid stuff comes out. Over the past year I have learned to brush off such comments and keep pressing on. I would be lying if I told you I haven’t had my feelings hurt by the stupid stuff some people have said though.  I have cried a few times after reading so-called helpful remedies for infertility that people have directed me towards. Example: “You should eat God’s way and pray for God to forgive you for the things you have done to and with your body.” This one was a hard one to just brush off. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on my nutrition and exercise, so this was quite the jab in the stomach. After reading what exactly it means to “eat God’s way”, I quickly decided I don’t have the time nor the resources to raise my own animals, fruits, and veggies. I then considered the source and felt much better about my decision to continue doing what I am doing.  I’ve seen plenty of pregnant people shopping at Kroger or Food Lion. I’m sure God will understand if I don’t choose to boycott grocery shopping at the local Food Lion. In addition to that, how many times do you see pregnant people at Burger King and McDonalds?  You see my point. 
I am not a patient person. I have prayed and prayed and even prayed some more for God to give me patience. I almost feel like each month is a constant countdown. I hate feeling that way! It is so hard to be calm and patient when I have to count my days! On day 1 of my cycle I countdown until day 3 when I start my Clomid or Femara –whichever is prescribed for the month. On day 8 I start using my predictor kits and wait for that “yes +”. IF I get a “yes+”, then the 2 week wait countdown begins. It is exhausting. I’ve said all of that to say this. It has been a challenge for me to be patient and calm during the aggressive treatment months since every twinge, pain, day of spotting, predictor kit result, and so on has to be recorded. I know God has to get so frustrated with me sometimes because I will pray for patience, but then I don’t pause long enough to accept it. 
Letting go of control is hard. In the past few months I have prayed for God to give me patience, understanding, and hope. I know in order for us to receive the blessings God has in store for us, we have to stop trying to take control of the situation and GIVE IT TO GOD. So many times I have said, “I’m letting go and giving it to God.” It sounds really awesome, but in reality I’m not fully giving it all to God. I’m still holding on to bits and pieces of my worry and stress. I’m sure God is thinking, “Kari Elizabeth, I’ve got this! Trust me!” When I look at it that way, I feel so selfish! God has been so patient with me each time I have made a mistake or gone astray, yet I won’t trust Him to take full control. Ouch. I have tears pooling in my eyes as I say those words over and over…. “I won’t trust Him.” Look at everything He has done and everything He is capable of doing! If I just let go and give him full control, I will feel so much more at peace.

I love my husband more than I ever imagined I would ever love anyone. A friend of mine has said, if you can survive infertility, you can survive anything. It is a true test of your relationship. As cheesy as it sounds, he is my best friend. When I’m having a fall apart, he is the first and only person I want to talk to most of the time. He doesn’t have to say a word. He just holds me as I cry. Occasionally he will say, “We will have a baby one day. It just isn’t time yet.” God knew I needed to have someone who would be strong on my weak days. After one of my procedures, he prayed the most precious prayer over me as I laid on the table. I’m certain I fell even more in love with him that day. As we wait for our perfect little blessing, we are enjoying our random date nights, early morning hunting trips, and vacations. I cannot imagine what my life would be without Trey. He is already a wonderful step-dad and puppy parent. I know he will be a wonderful, Godly father for our children one day.

So what is this amazing blog that has opened my eyes? The link is below. Check it out and read about Caroline and Colby’s journey.

Caroline also refers to the book Pregnant with Hope in one of her posts. Trey and I have both been reading this book and it has really opened my eyes and my heart to all of God’s blessings during this journey.