Oh Hi.

I guess I should brush off the dust on this thing, huh?

I haven’t blogged in a while. I would like to blame my lack of blogging on being busy, but we all know that isn’t the case. I just haven’t been in the right mood I guess.

Wow. A lot has changed since my last blog… A LOT!  I came down off of cloud nine and got smacked in the face by reality. That smack in the face lead to me ending my first post-divorce relationship. As with every other relationship, I left a little bit of myself behind, took a little bit of him with me, and learned a lot about myself.  He will make a woman very happy one day. Unfortunately, we were just not at the same point in our lives and it just didn’t work.

My relationship with Gavin is AMAZING now. I wish I could bottle up the feeling I have when he is with me.  He is now the most loving little boy… just like he was when he was a little tot.  This may sound cheesy, but I now refuse to go to Wal Mart unless Gavin is with me. I absolutely LOVE going to Wal Mart with him. He pushes the buggy for me and helps me shop. Grocery shopping doesn’t seem like a chore when Gavin is with me. He even helps put away the groceries when we get home!  He hasn’t quite figured everything out yet. I did have trouble finding my Cliff Bars on Tuesday. He had put them in the canned food cabinet. When I asked him about it, he responded with, “I couldn’t reach any higher in the other cabinet.”  How precious. He is on Spring Break all next week, and I cannot wait to spend three solid days with him!!!

I have learned the definition of TRUE friends.  I’m not going to elaborate on this one. I’m not a 16 year old who is trying to get my revenge.  I’m a 25 year old adult who hates conflict and confrontation; however, if the right buttons are pushed, I do not sit back and allow others to run over me. I have proven this in the last few weeks. Never trust someone who openly talks about and / or bashes others in front of you because they are probably openly talking about and / or bashing you behind your back. I learned this lesson in high school, but as an adult, I didn’t realize girls (yes GIRLS) were still so evil.

I’m still trying to figure out this whole “single” thing .  Some days I feel so excited to not have to be somewhere to see someone. . . but then there is that occasional day when I just wish I had someone to talk to or look forward to seeing after a long, stressful day at work. Most of my friends have someone, and sometimes I feel like I’m crashing their party by being around.  Like I said, I have those days on OCCASION. It isn’t an everyday thing. I guess it has only happened twice in the last 3 months. Yes. I was in a relationship for part of that time, but it was a long distance, “I’m busy tonight” relationship.  There was still that one piece of the puzzle missing. 

I’m in no hurry to finish my Kari puzzle.  Heck. Let’s just scramble the thing and start over! Isn’t that what this is all about anyway? A fresh start? I feel like I need to go on a few awkward first dates with sweaty palms. Maybe even accidentally spill my drink or something? This is only the beginning.

Until next time…

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Wow.

O.M.GEEZ.

I’m wide awake. I’ve been awake for 20 hours straight. Yes. Do the math. I have been awake since 2am this morning. I’m not even sleepy. I honestly had the urge to run this evening after work… alone…through the neighborhoods surrounding my apartment complex. Thank God I didn’t.

I like to think I did enough research about this place before I signed my name on that stupid lease, but clearly I did not. In case you haven’t figured it out, I don’t exactly live in the safest, most friendly area of Shelbyville. Granted there are worse areas, but there are MOST defiantly safer (err…as safe as Shelbyville can get) areas. 

My fear began several months ago when I noticed every morning when I ran this gentleman was always standing beside his mailbox.  He would always wave to me and tell me good morning. At first I saw this as “oh what a friendly little guy”!  Friendly slowly became creepy…  I started changing up my route. I wouldn’t run past his house every morning, or I would run a little later or a little earlier than normal.  He was always out there by his mailbox. It almost felt like he was waiting for me or something. I would joke with the guy I was dating at the time and say “if you don’t hear from me one day, please check the bushes surrounding my apartment complex. That fella will probably hide me there.”  In a way I was joking but deep down it really bothered me… so I quit running in my neighborhood for a while. It was getting colder, so I felt my break from running the streets of Shelbyville was justified.

In the dead of winter, I found myself MISSING running. I missed the sore legs. I missed the feeling of being in the zone and accomplishing goals. I was pissed at myself and even more pissed at the fact I am pretty much forced to live in this apartment complex since the “nicer” complexes are income based. According to their formulas and figures… I make too much money to live in the nicer part of town. Does this make sense to anyone?? 

Moving forward.. a few weeks ago I got up the courage to run in the mornings.  At 5am it isn’t quite daylight yet, so I made sure I wore my spiffy, not so sexy reflective runners’ vest so the small handful of cars on the road that early could see me.  Morning #1 went great. I squeeze 1.5 miles out in 19 degree weather.  Morning #2 did not go so well. Some sorry individual felt it necessary to throw  his large Sonic cup out the passenger side window of his Dodge Ram pickup. Did I mention he threw it at ME?  I was furious. I was so pissed. I ran home and swore I would write the nastiest letter to the newspaper.

I never wrote that letter by the way…

Mornings #3-6ish I never made it out of the parking lot.  I would wake up before the sun, get dressed, stretch, go outside, and a feeling of fear and uneasiness would come over me within 2 minutes.  I didn’t feel safe.

Change

change: v. To cause to be different;  To go from one phase to another, as the moon or the seasons

change: n. A transformation or transition from one state, condition, or phase to another

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.  ~Mary Engelbreit

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Part I.

If you fail. Try again.  If you fall down. Get up. Brush yourself off and try again.  If at first you don’t succeed. Try. Try again.  Never give up? Ha.

This is me throwing in the towel.  I’m not giving up.  I’ve just realized it is time to change my approach. Please hold your applause.

Many moons ago when I was young and looking for direction in my education, I tried out several different majors and/ or concentrations.  Just to put it into perspective for you, when I applied to MTSU in the fall of 2002 I had every intention in the world to be an athletic trainer.  In August of 2008, I graduated with a Bachelor of Business Administration degree in Finance and Insurance.  In between, I dabbled with a major in general studies, history, business administration, and financial institution management.  Long story short… I had NO IDEA what I wanted to be when I grew up!  I would get unhappy with the curriculum or the teachers and I would change my major or concentration.  I somehow stumbled into insurance thanks to a little old man who didn’t wear a belt and always had a briefcase. He carried a Styrofoam cup with him everywhere he went.  That man held my future. I changed my major to finance with a concentration in insurance.

I like to think stereotypes no longer exist. Women can do a job just as well as most men can; however, I have spent the last several years trying to prove even though I appear to be a 22 year old little girl to most, I still know (for the most part) what I am talking about.  I have made great attempts to be taken seriously. I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’ve tried again… and I’ve failed.  I’ve become frustrated. I’ve searched deep within myself trying to figure out WHAT exactly I want. Where do I want to be in 5 years? 

I’ve hit a brick wall. A few weeks ago I started researching to see what I needed to do in order to obtain my Associate in Risk Management (ARM) certification.  Risk management intrigued me in college. It would be nice to have some letters after my name. Maybe if this whole insurance thing does finally bottom out, I will have something to fall back on.  I took it into my own hands to make a change. I guess we will see where this goes…?  It can’t hurt anything, can it?

Part II.

Yes. I have an attitude problem.

I try to leave Jonathan out of my blogs, but today he deserves 2,896,525,971 gold stars and probably a trip to the Masters for putting up with my ridiculousness the past 3 weeks.  There is no denying I needed an attitude adjustment. Between the stresses of work, looking for a house, and being a single mommy, I somehow managed to transform into Medusa. Snakes and all.  *clapping* He for some reason felt the need to stick with Medusa during the turmoil. Yay for Jonathan!

Moving on…
I’ve learned a few things about myself in the last few weeks.

– Depriving myself of caffeine causes withdrawals from hell… including a headache.
– “Crazy Girl” by Eli Young Band was apparently written about my life…
– Mexican food makes me fat.

On a serious note…
– I need to learn how to handle pressure.
– Lashing out at innocent bystanders does not solve anything.
– Listen to others more. Talk less.
– Ignoring a problem doesn’t make the problem go away.
– Squeezing pennies is negative fun.
– This is my life. I only have 1. Take control of it…  I should make changes if I’m unhappy.

To sum this entire blog up… I’ve hit a brick wall and I’m in the process of either blasting the effin thing or climbing over it (aka ‘get over it’).  

Until next time…