Double dose of bloggery today…

Part 1:

As I count down the days until my lease in hell is finally over, I have been playing around with my options.  After throwing ideas around about renting from a different (less creepy) apartment complex, I have decided I do not want to rent anymore. I’m ready to be a homeowner.  I’m ready for the next big step.  In preparation for my BIG move to my  new –as of right now nonexistent– home, I have resorted to eating canned spinach, sandwiches, and frozen dinners almost daily.  Jars of peanut butter are my friend.  Great Value products grace my shopping buggy.  My every other day trips to Subway, McAlister’s, Mexican restaurants, etc have ceased. 

I’m completely new to this; therefore, I am not 100% sure what I am doing. I browse and almost daily. I take the long way to work sometimes just so I can scope out the for sale signs in yards.  I assume I am on the right track, but for some reason I don’t feel like I am.  I seriously have no idea where to go from here. I have in mind what I’m looking for.  I don’t need a huge 2-story home on 10 acres with a wrap around porch. Let’s get real.  It’s just going to be me most of the time. All of that space is not necessary. I want something with 2-3 bedrooms. More than 1 bathroom is a must.  Gavin and I have had numerous bathroom battles over the last 8 months, and I’m willing to bet as he gets older those battles will become more frequent. 

I’m a little scared to be doing this, but I know it has to happen.  I was scared when I started hunting for apartments in June of last year. I guess it is perfectly normal for me to be scared now, right?  I think so. I keep thinking back to the first time I looked at houses, which was several years ago before Micah and I got married. Neither one of us knew what we were doing. We would walk through houses and I would say, “Oh I like these cabinets!” or “This wallpaper is hideous!” or “This carpet is VERY white.” Here I am five years later embarking on this journey alone. I have no doubt I will make similar comments as I walk through houses trying to find the one that screams my name. 

Part 2:

Forgiveness. I have been fighting an inner battle for the last 2.5 months. I have pointed blame. I have tried to justify some of my actions and words. I have finally realized I was at fault just as much as the other party. I want to be forgiven. I have read over the hurtful emails. I have pondered “What if…?”.   I have not been able to put things behind me. Gavin said it best this morning when he said, “Mom, you shouldn’t be so sad. That makes God sad too.”   I’m so consumed with fixing myself right now.

Gavin is such a strong little boy. He is only 7 but sometimes when he speaks, I feel like I’m talking to a 27 year old. He remembers seeing me walk down the aisle in my white dress. He remembers sitting in his room watching TV and listening to his parents fight. He remembers the day I started packing my things to move out…. he knows I’m not a Donegan like him anymore.  Most importantly, he remembers and / or repeats almost anything his daddy or I say. I try so hard not to lean on him more than I should. Yes. He is the man of the house, but he is also still only 7 years old.  This morning Gavin witnessed me crying for the 300th time in the last 4 years. He tried his best to comfort me, which actually made me cry more.

I’m not even sure where I’m supposed to go from here…

Million Miles Away…

“Sharp pain in my soul, no car on the county road I can’t stand to be going home, I’m so mad, I’m so alone

I made some big mistakes, but I can’t take back yesterday It’s just too hard to live this way, when your heart is a million miles away

I get tired and it makes me mean, but cruel words aren’t what you need I know, we both agreed, but sometimes life gets down on me

Two hours on the interstate I get quiet and start to pray but it feels like I’ve lost my fate when we can’t work it out”

2 hours. $250+. 1 slap on the wrist from my doctor.

I’m offically “normal” again? or whatever the opposite of being a complete pain in the @$$ is.  Lesson learned: Being numb to the people, situations, and events around me is a much better alternative than what I have put myself through this week. I will listen to my doctor and do as she says from now on.

Happy Friday. I started my morning off by consuming more coffee than a human should be allowed to have in an entire week. ONE ENTIRE POT OF COFFEE all to myself. I’m convinced the massive amount of caffeine flowing through my bloodstream did not help my panic attack / horrific emotional breakdown. Not taking my medicine in 2 weeks probably didn’t help matters much either.

I was tired of feeling numb. I was tired of having this super “I can handle anything” attitude. Inside I was slowly breaking down. Today was inevitable. It was going to happen sooner or later. I knew I would wake up and realize I have to deal with my emotions and feelings. I can’t just wake up, pop a pill, and expect life to be filled with rainbows and sunshine all of the time.

I hate talking about “what’s wrong”. I wish people would give me a dollar instead of ask me what’s wrong. NOTHING is wrong with me. I’m fine.  Everything around me is WRONG.  I feel like I have been removed from my comfort zone and thrown into a completely unfamiliar place. I’m learning who people really are. That pretty little picture that was painted for me in the beginning of this so-called happiness has slowly revealed the ugly truth. Unfortunely, I knew this day would come. The day when I realize I have no clue where I’m going or who I am.  I felt like I had a grip on reality and had put the demons of my past where they belong; however, in reality I never really did. I just tucked them away in the back of mind in hopes they wouldn’t show their faces again. Hello reality.

I’ve lost sleep. I’ve lost my appetite. That dark cloud that followed me around for so many months is back, and I am not happy about it. What can I do?  I rack my brain daily trying to figure out where I went wrong.  At what point did I stop being happy Kari and sink back into this funk? Why is this so hard for me?

What if….

… I move to a new city?
… I take a vacation for 1 to some far away beach?
… I change my phone number and start over?
… I just deactivate my Facebook account?

OR What if I just put my big girl panties on and DEAL WITH WHAT HAS BEEN HANDED TO ME? I always try to run and hide from my problems. Instead of dealing with them… I choose to hide. Instead of confonting the issue and/ or person… I ignore them. I’m not saying a light bulb has come on. I’m definitley not about to go around and confont everyone who has ever made me feel sad or icky. Let’s get real. That would take all weekend!

From this point on, I will try  to get over this. I cannot make any promises other than I promise I won’t start breathing fire and tearing down cities. At this point, I cannot even promise I will not fall of the face of the Earth for a few days.

hang with me here… I’m trying.

Until next time…

Feeling a little Bloggy…

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
— Joseph Campbell
This week has been a completely OFF week for me. I do not even know where to begin. Monday morning I managed to make it to work on time, which is highly unusual for me.  Shortly after my arrival, I nice flower delivery fella walked into the lobby with a beautiful bouquet of flowers! I secretly hoped they were for me. Maybe my daddy decided to have flowers delivered to my work this year?? The flower delivery guy said, “I’m looking for Kari Neal.” As I tried to control the HUGE smile across my face, I replied with “That’s me!”.  He handed me the bouquet and I somehow managed to do some sort of skip/gallop/ jump move without dropping my beautiful bouquet of flowers. I read the card… “Happy Valentine’s Day Sweetheart – Jonathan”.  Monday was a great day!

If you know me, you know why I despise this week. February 15 & 16th have been stamped in my mind as dates to remember.  Tuesday morning, I woke up wishing there was some way I could just sleep until the 18th.  If only I could wake up and say “Oh darn, I really [insert sarcastic tone] hate I slept through that.”  I have been in a rotten mood the last 3 days and I do not even know why!! Sure I hate this week.  Sure my entire life changed FOREVER during those days way back when, but WHY am I bothered by them now?

After picking a fight with someone who didn’t even do anything, I realized what is wrong with me.  I’m holding onto things I shouldn’t.  I’m putting that stupid wall back up because I’m scared of getting hurt.  The smallest things (actions, words, Facebook drama even) trigger some awful experience from my past, and the wheels in my brain start turning. As those wheels turn, I guess that wall slowly goes back up. I automatically assume the worst. I am afraid of revisiting that empty, hurt, lost feeling I had for so long.

I had my whole life planned out up to the time I realized I was pregnant with Gavin. Getting pregnant before finishing high school was definitely not part of my plan. Pregnancy threw quite a kink in everything, so I had to come up with a new plan. I would finish college, get married, have another baby, and live happily ever after. I guess in the mind of 17 year-old Kari, storybook lives were common and marriage would be easy. A few short weeks later, I found myself alone in the pregnancy journey and hurting emotionally.  Time for a new plan again.

I know my past has only made me stronger. I know I need to let go of the past and enjoy the present before I ruin my future. *Yes. I read that on some cheesy website.*  Sometimes it is just hard though. I know it is time to stop trying to plan my life. I can set goals, make a bucket list, and do things that make me happy. The old plan is out the door. I’m supposed to be starting a new chapter in my life. I’m the author of my own book! I had to go back and read my “Closing Chapters” Facebook note this morning just to remind myself what the big picture is here.  I have to let go of the things that happened in the past and embrace what I have now before it slips through my fingers…

This isn’t one my best blogs ever, but I do feel better putting everything into words. Maybe someone will read it. Maybe someone will say, “Hey! I know that feeling!” Maybe someone will say, “Good grief she sucks at life.”  Either way, I feel better now… I think.

Until next time…

Growing Up

I have realized two things today. (1) Someone should’ve told me just how HARD it is to change my name back to my maiden name. (2) I would be lost without my parents.

I’m so over this snow. I mean…really?? I do not recall getting out for snow this often when I was of school age! Gavin has used up all of his built in snow days. We never did that, did we? Anyway. Rain, sleet, snow, or ice did not stop me from finally getting my driver license updated with my correct name and new address. That’s right. I said “correct name”.  As much fun as it was to have Gavin’s last name, I am much happier and content having my Daddy’s last name.  After that was complete, I went to the Bedford County Clerk and gave her a lot of money for the tags, title, and registration for my Corolla. I seriously had no idea what I was doing. I gave her 10 pieces of paper in hopes at least one of them would be what she needed; however, I was missing 1 piece of paper that happened to be in Lynchburg. UGH.  So I hopped into the Corolla and made a trip to Lynchburg. In case you were wondering, the roads were clear.  I did manage to bum a sandwich off of my mom while I was in town, so I guess the trip wasn’t completely terrible.

Several times today I thought to myself, “if someone had told me that changing my name would make such a mess… I never would’ve changed it.”  I guess at the time I was blinded by what I thought was love. I obviously did not intend to get divorced, change my name, live in a tiny apartment, and eat spaghetti o’s 4 times a week.  Who would dream of that?!  As stressful as the name change process has been, I can’t help but think all of the stress, money, and missed hours at work are worth it. I’m Kari Neal.  I’ve always been Kari Neal to most of my friends and family.  Now it is official.

I don’t know what I would do without my parents. I called my Daddy 5-6 times today to ask relatively dumb questions and keep him updated with my progress. In case you haven’t figured it out, I am slightly over dramatic sometimes when things do not go as I plan.  My Daddy sometimes has to calm me down and remind me everything will be OK. He had to do that at least once today. I’m not sure if he realized he was doing it though.

I have stressed for the last two months about getting my paperwork and changing my license. Now that I have all of this behind me, I guess it is time to enjoy being Kari.  With that being said, I should probably clean my apartment now…

Until next time…

Best Friends know when it is time to go..

“It’s the times we’re so crazy,
that people think we’re high.
It’s the times we laugh so hard,
we can’t help but cry.
It’s all the inside jokes
and “remember whens”.
those are all the reasons
that we’re best friends!”

I cannot help but smile when I look back on this past weekend. What an amazingly fun and exciting weekend it was! I managed to snag Jonathan off of the market somehow. Gavin had an intense basketball game that went into overtime! I spent my Saturday morning/ afternoon/ evening with my parents. I watched Hannah crown the new Wee Miss Lynchburg. Eccho, Rachel, and I had a night of laughs, Big Macs, and Nickelback songs. Rachel and I managed to get 3 kids into the backseat of my Corolla on Sunday for lunch. Oh and that really important football game was going on, but I chose to play Barbies instead. ha. Oh and I’m Facebook official?! Wow. I have never been Facebook official before. ha.

Isn’t it amazing how you can go weeks or months without seeing your best friends from childhood, but once you get together, it is just like old times? Eccho, Rachel, and I laughed so much about old times, growing up, and the crazy things we’ve gotten into over the years.  To anyone who may have seen us laughing hysterically or overheard our conversations, they probably thought we were crazy.  We have so many memories and fun times. I really wish Katie could’ve been there too! That would’ve completed the evening!

Ahh… Sometimes you just need a GIRLS night to catch up, laugh, and be completely silly.  The highlight of the evening would have to be all 3 of us crawling into Eccho’s bed at 3:45 am to finally go to sleep after laughing, devouring Big Macs, and drinking Sprites.  It wasn’t the most comfortable sleeping arrangement, but it reminded me of old times. It reminded me of growing up with these girls. Every year Eccho would have a sleepover for her birthday, and every year there would be girls piled everywhere sleeping. Here we are now 25 and 26 years old, laughing about boys, giggling, and being just as silly as we were 14 years ago.  It was nice. I am paying heavily for my lack of sleep this weekend though.

I’m finally at that happy place I have always wanted to be and I know I couldn’t have found this happiness if it wasn’t for my faith, family, and friends.  It is hard to believe 3 months ago I felt like I had no direction and everything was falling apart.  I look back now and wonder why I felt that way. In the book I am currently reading, Francis Chan talks about the stresses of the world. In one chapter he talks about people who get so upset and stressed over life.  If you trust in God and turn your troubles over to him and remember WHO is really in control, it gives you great peace.  When we allow ourselves to get stressed and worry, we are losing our focus. I read those 2 pages over and over. It is so true! There was a time in my life when I had forgotten who is really in control. I had forgotten what is really important. When I stopped trying to find my own answers and instead turned my focus to God, I felt like a new person. I’m not perfect by any means. I do still have to be reminded where my focus should be and sometimes my timing and His timing are NOT the same. Sometimes His plan and my plan are not the same.

I look forward to what the next few days, weeks, months, and hopefully years have in store for me. I am blessed beyond belief right now and am thankful each day for the people God has placed in my life… they each have their own purpose. I have an amazing boyfriend (oh how fun it is to call him that!), a supportive & loving family, a fabulous best friend who is always there for me, and a group of friends I would do anything for. 


Until next time…