As I count down the days until my lease in hell is finally over, I have been playing around with my options. After throwing ideas around about renting from a different (less creepy) apartment complex, I have decided I do not want to rent anymore. I’m ready to be a homeowner. I’m ready for the next big step. In preparation for my BIG move to my new –as of right now nonexistent– home, I have resorted to eating canned spinach, sandwiches, and frozen dinners almost daily. Jars of peanut butter are my friend. Great Value products grace my shopping buggy. My every other day trips to Subway, McAlister’s, Mexican restaurants, etc have ceased.
I’m completely new to this; therefore, I am not 100% sure what I am doing. I browse realtracs.com and realtor.com almost daily. I take the long way to work sometimes just so I can scope out the for sale signs in yards. I assume I am on the right track, but for some reason I don’t feel like I am. I seriously have no idea where to go from here. I have in mind what I’m looking for. I don’t need a huge 2-story home on 10 acres with a wrap around porch. Let’s get real. It’s just going to be me most of the time. All of that space is not necessary. I want something with 2-3 bedrooms. More than 1 bathroom is a must. Gavin and I have had numerous bathroom battles over the last 8 months, and I’m willing to bet as he gets older those battles will become more frequent.
I’m a little scared to be doing this, but I know it has to happen. I was scared when I started hunting for apartments in June of last year. I guess it is perfectly normal for me to be scared now, right? I think so. I keep thinking back to the first time I looked at houses, which was several years ago before Micah and I got married. Neither one of us knew what we were doing. We would walk through houses and I would say, “Oh I like these cabinets!” or “This wallpaper is hideous!” or “This carpet is VERY white.” Here I am five years later embarking on this journey alone. I have no doubt I will make similar comments as I walk through houses trying to find the one that screams my name.
Forgiveness. I have been fighting an inner battle for the last 2.5 months. I have pointed blame. I have tried to justify some of my actions and words. I have finally realized I was at fault just as much as the other party. I want to be forgiven. I have read over the hurtful emails. I have pondered “What if…?”. I have not been able to put things behind me. Gavin said it best this morning when he said, “Mom, you shouldn’t be so sad. That makes God sad too.” I’m so consumed with fixing myself right now.
Gavin is such a strong little boy. He is only 7 but sometimes when he speaks, I feel like I’m talking to a 27 year old. He remembers seeing me walk down the aisle in my white dress. He remembers sitting in his room watching TV and listening to his parents fight. He remembers the day I started packing my things to move out…. he knows I’m not a Donegan like him anymore. Most importantly, he remembers and / or repeats almost anything his daddy or I say. I try so hard not to lean on him more than I should. Yes. He is the man of the house, but he is also still only 7 years old. This morning Gavin witnessed me crying for the 300th time in the last 4 years. He tried his best to comfort me, which actually made me cry more.
I’m not even sure where I’m supposed to go from here…